Man shot over a bed of Valentine’s Day chocolate hearts

On February 14th, 2021, a call was received at 5:32 PM for a man who was shot over a bed of Valentine’s Day chocolate hearts. Fortunately he survived. Neighbours heard the sounds of struggle followed by a gunshot. Multiple people called the police who arrived shortly after.

When the officers arrived at the victim’s house, they noticed that the house was smeared in steak juice and smelt like pan-seared steak. When they arrived at the room where the victim was in, they were shocked to see that the man was shot over a literal bed of chocolate hearts. The perpetrator immediately surrendered himself to the police when the police arrived.

The victim’s shot, whose face had been blurred out

On the day after the incident, February 15th, the perpetrator was questioned and the victim gave statements to the police. Police were puzzled, as they had never handled a case like this before.

From questioning, the perpetrator, famous war criminal Kim Jong-Two, told police, “My friend liked only white chocolate. It was wrong for him to like only white chocolate. Why did he like only fake chocolate? Eat real chocolate, like chocolate as dark as my humour! It is a crime to like only white chocolate!” The perpetrator was immediately fed two bars of white chocolate, much to his dismay, and had his jail cell sprayed with white chocolate scented air freshener. 

The perpetrator, Kim Jong-Two

The victim, a former furry cosplayer and now a vegan loving father to 81 dogs, whose identity cannot be disclosed at this given time, gave a statement which read, “I prepared a bed of white chocolate hearts because I wanted to do it for TikTok. Too bad my friend shot me, so the video couldn’t be made.” According to an anonymous eyewitness at the hospital where the victim was staying, after the statement was given, two police officers put deep fried chicken drumsticks into his mouth. 

Five days after the incident, on February 19th, Kim Jong-Two was put onto trial, with the trial ending the same day. The jury found him guilty of first degree grievous bodily harm, and the judge of the case sentenced him to a lifetime of washing the victim’s feet. The judge’s last words for the case were, “A decade in prison is not enough, but having to smell and wash feet for a lifetime should do it. Besides, the guy looks like he is not into feet.” 

Seven days after the incident, on February 21st, another call was made to the police. When the police arrived, they found the victim getting a pedicure at a beauty salon. The victim was immediately arrested during the middle of the service, and given corporal punishment in the form of being hit by a baton several times by the police.