How I Met my Craigslist Boyfriend

A Valentines Day Special

Frankie Johnny Von Appleseed awoke in the cupboard under the stairs. She was giddy with excitement for the day that lay ahead, for it was March 14th, the sequel to Valentine’s Day. To prepare for the occasion, Frankie had spent hours reading One Direction fan fiction, which can be seen by how she tied her hair into a messy bun. Frankie planned to attract attention this way. She stared into the mirror, watching her blue-green-brown orbs look back at her, shimmering, even though there was no light, because as previously mentioned, Frankie was in the cupboard. Still, Frankie hummed a cheerful tune as she carried out her morning routine, eager to meet the Valentine she had rented out the night before on Craigslist, Craig List. As shown in his photo, he was six foot tall, and had a six pack to match. They had planned to meet at the local Home Depot, since that was the most romantic location in town. The lumber reminded both Craig and Frankie of a cabin in the woods.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town in a cheap apartment, Craig List was making breakfast for his two roommates. Omelettes to be exact. His roommates had gotten used to seeing this strange, buff man every morning, and welcomed the free food. In fact, his roommates had no idea where he came from. Craig was just there when they had moved in, using the closet as a bedroom. Craig then looked at the time, flabbergasted when he realized that he might be late for his date with Frankie. 

“Sorry roomies! I have to go on a date!” 

One of Craig’s roommates, Jeremy, looked at his plain white T Shirt and blue jeans, unimpressed.

“Not looking like that you aren’t!”

Craig went into his closet and pulled out his Lightning McQueen Crocs and put them on. “Better?” he asked hesitantly.

Craig’s other roommate, Louis the Third piped up. “Yass beach slay!”

Craig giggled shyly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear, thanking them for helping him look presentable. Craig walked out the door, unaware of the day that would ensue.

Frankie and Craig met each other at Home Depot as planned. Frankie recognized Craig immediately, but when greeting him she also noticed the Lightning McQueen crocs, causing her to blush. Frankie realized that she was staring at the gorgeous crocs and looked Craig in the orb.

“Howdy! The crocs… they bring out your orbs.” Frankie didn’t know why she was so nervous all of a sudden. Could this be… No. She wasn’t going to think about it.  

“Your Bieber T-Shirt also looks great!” 

“Oh… nobody’s ever said that to me before.” Frankie was getting even more star-struck by the moment. This man knew what to say. 

Craig, on the other hand, was oblivious to Frankie’s nervousness, and took her hand. 

“Home Depot is waiting for us. We have wood to sniff.”

“Yes. Of course,” Frankie said, snapping out of her trance caused by Craig List.  

Inside the Home Depot they entered the orange-shelfed aisles filled to the brim with stacked beams of wood. Pine. Mahogany. Redwood. The type of wood didn’t matter. It was going to get sniffed. The two idiots had found themselves skipping hand in hand across the aisles, putting their noses close to the wood and letting the fumes enter their nostrils. It was heaven for the both of them. They exchanged no words with each other as they took in the smell, but that didn’t change the magic of the moment. Romance was in the air. 

“Uhhhhh… You guys are making the shoppers here uncomfortable with whatever it is the two of you are doing and it’s really weird and disturbing so we’re kicking you out. Messing with the vibes, ya know?”

Frankie and Craig hadn’t noticed the orange-aproned employee that had approached them, but Frankie was justifiably angry

“Can’t you make an exception…? It’s Valentine’s Day after all!” Frankie said.

The employee gave them a confused look, before saying, in a monotone voice, “It’s March fourteenth.”

There was an awkward silence between the three mammals. Frankie broke it. “Your mother.”

Half-heartedly leaving Home Depot both felt as though they could not let their day end at such a low note. Luckily their surroundings were full of vast and fun-filled locations, which brought them great anticipation. A Walmart, a Canadian Tire, a movie theater. Completely disregarding the only plausible, and generally reasonable option, they began their descent to the local Walmart, figuring they could grab a bite.

 “Ahoy, Frankie my love, is that you?” Frankie almost peed herself as she turned to face the familiar voice. A shocked, but pleased expression. A man dressed in a worn out fancy suit. “Jerard? What are you doing here? ” asked Frankie. “I thought I’d reminisce about our last Valentine’s Day spent indoor camping in Canadian Tire. Would I be getting my hopes up thinking you were doing the same?” he replied.

Disheveled, Frankie turned to face Craig who had finally been shaken off by Home Depot security, “No, I am with someone else, please move on.” 

“But alas, it seems we are tied by fate.” That being said, he began to slowly lower himself to one knee, and reached into his pocket to pull out a defined yellow ziplock bag. Inside it was a ring. Not just any ring, a golden ring. 

“Sorry if it’s a bit rusty. Oh, Frankie Johnny Von Appleseed, will you make me the happiest man on earth-” 

“STOP” Frankie interrupted.

“What’s the matter?”

“Try that again. Add a bit more love.”

“Right, right. My love Frankie, if I could take the stars from the sky and give them to you, I would. Will you Frankie Appleseed, make me the happiest-” 

“STOP” she interrupted yet again, but with tears streaming down her face. At this point Craig had become invested in the mutual romance occurring between these lovely people. “The wood has really expanded my appetite, I am suddenly hungry. I refuse to accept a proposal on a rumbling stomach.”

“What is it you would like to eat my love? Shall we explore the Dollarama” asked Jerard. They are suddenly interrupted by a goo-goo-eyed Craig who waved around a dirtied Walmart flier that had probably taken a dip in one of the Walmart parking lot puddles. 

“They’re having a sale on the infamous, brownie protein bars! Buy one for two dollars, and get another for two dollars as well” 

“What a steal! Great value brand protein bars always take me back to the olden days. Back when this toupee was something I did not have to pay for,” Jerard tried to joke. The two proceeded to converse about their days as theatre children. Mindlessly walking towards the big blue building, the two had forgotten a very flabbergasted Frankie. 

As Jerard and Craig approached the protein bar aisle, it was then that Craig realized he had left Frankie to soak in the now pouring rain. The scent of protein bars seemed to be hallucinogenic and he began to dream of a protein bar land of Frankies. In this land of strong carbohydrates, Frankie sat in front of her bread house peeling mushrooms with a newborn baby in her arms. Craig wished the baby was him. He suddenly awoke from his questionable daydream, with a realization in tow. 

“Egads! I think I’m in love with Frankie!”

Craig suddenly sprinted after Frankie, throwing a handful of coins at the cashier to pay for the protein bar he had reached to smuggle amidst his deep fantasies, with Jerard following. Jerard had forgotten his feelings for Frankie, even though they had lasted for years, but his brief time with Craig enlightened him of his simp behavior.  Now, Jerard was all aboard the crankie ship.

Craig caught a glimpse of a One Direction hat floating across the street, heading for Costco. Grabbing Jerard’s elbow, Craig used his Lightning McQueen crocs to propel himself forward at full speed.  

The air was murky, as heavy raindrops left the cumulonimbus, filling the parking lot with puddles. This did not deter Frankie though. She ran across the street, jaywalking, and thus successfully committing her first crime. Although she almost got run over by angry drivers who honked their horns at her. (Disclaimer: Don’t jaywalk children! It’s dumber than this story.) Frankie entered the Costco, shoving aside customers and employees alike. There were even more people than usual because it was also March Break (we did not forget to mention this). Frankie did not give a damn , for she was being driven by two primal forces that had been inside her since the very beginning of her existence: drama and stupidity. She ran with passion through the aisles, disrupting customers from their shopping, bringing plenty of havoc. 

Craig had just arrived at the Costco gates, along with Jerard. Before they could go on any further an employee abruptly stopped them. “Hello sirs. Would you like to talk about your car’s extended warranty-”

Jerard shoved his membership card at the employee. “JUST TAKE MY MEMBERSHIP CARD AND GO!”

The two homo sapiens ran into the Costco, frantically shaking their heads looking for Frankie. After catching a faint glimpse of a tacky but familiar One Direction hat, they pursued the slender figure thinking it was Frankie. They turned a corner, expecting to see the familiar face that was Frankie Johnny Von Appleseed, but the figure turned around, revealing… Danny Devito?! The three of them stared at each other for a few seconds, before Jerard asks, “Have you seen someone with a similar fashion sense running about?” Danny Devito pointed towards the rotisserie chicken section.

“Thank you Mr. Devito. It was a pleasure working with you,” Craig finished. Though he was already following the strong aroma coming from the rotisserie chicken section.

After running for a few minutes, they were finally at the Rotisserie chicken section, and they noticed Frankie, with her iconic blue-green-brown orbs and messy bun, complete with a tacky One Direction hat. An exasperated Craig ran to Frankie, protein bar in hand. Finally! They were to be reunited at last! Then, a call of death was heard from a rotisserie chicken cook.

“Chicken’s ready!”

The world seemed to operate in slow motion, as a crowd of people swarmed the back of the store, in hopes of snatching a package of the meat. Just then Craig had turned around and saw a mob of people, ready to do anything to get that chicken, even if it meant trampling him. Before he had the time to process what was going to happen to him, he felt a push at his side, knocking him to the cold tiled ground, away from the chaos. Craig looked up to see Jerard about to get swept into the endless sea of people. Craig reached out his hand, hoping Jerard could reach it. 

“Go Craig. Do what I never could, and win Frankie’s heart.” Jerard closed his eyes, getting lost in the sea of customers.

“JERARDDDDDDDDD!” Craig held back a sob, turning his head trying to locate Frankie and hoping that Jerard’s sacrifice would not be in vain. Alas, she was nowhere to be found. He figured she must’ve merged with the chaos. Craig was in shambles. His comrade Jerard had fallen to the rotisserie chicken mob, and Frankie, his love, the light of his life, was nowhere to be found. It was sad boy hours. The buff man made his way to the food court and sat under a table. It was a fitting setting for a heartbroken Craig List. As Craig wallowed in his shame, he noticed an all too familiar pair of justice-glitter-light-up-sneakers from his place of rest. 


Frankie had also noticed Craig under the table, and ran towards him, tears in her orbs.

“Craig! I’m so sorry! I never should’ve run away, but the truth was that I was scared of my feelings towards you. But I’m ready to embrace them! Please forgive me…” 

Craig awkwardly shuffled under the table, managing to get out after a solid minute. After successfully completing his task, Craig proceeded to get down on one knee, despite the floor smelling faintly of ketchup.  

“Of course I forgive you Frankie. But can you make me the happiest man in the world, and marry me, Frankie Johnny Von Appleseed?” He held out the protein bar, as if it was a ring. 

Suddenly Jerard appeared out of nowhere, and said, “If you don’t say yes, then I will.”

Frankie with tears streaming down her face, yelled frantically “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Craig stood, and they both leaned into each other, prepared to exchange a wet smooch. Jerard squealed like a twelve year old watching their ship sail in the background. Just then, kaboom! A meteor hit, and everyone died.